Grieving and carrying on
We grieve for many reasons and in many ways. It is a strong emotion connected with loss – real or imagined; bereavement, divorce and break-ups in relationships and friendships; loss of a job, status, income and security; loss of a treasured possession; home, location, car, heirloom or memento. However, for most of us, it is the loss of another that is the hardest to bear.
Grief is something that has to be experienced to be known. It cannot be taught and it cannot be learned. It is not something we get over, by following a pre-scripted path. It is a unique experience, because it is an emotion driven by our very own complex history of connectedness and needs.
This is a natural process which is to be embraced rather than fought. It will take as much time as you need. There is no need to search for final resolution or completion. This only leads to frustration and more internal conflict. Honour the grief with tears, argument, humour and whatever presents. There is no merit in suppression or censorship. It is a confusing time of vulnerability; raw and delicate, yet with raging fury and then disbelief. The first reaction is often disbelief and a feeling of numbness. This is a coping mechanism to soften the blow and slow us down. Like an anaesthetic, it wears off gradually and the pain kicks in. There is often also relief that the suffering and responsibility has ended – and this presents guilt. It’s OK to feel relief. Breathe in the oxygen. It will assist the healing.
We are looking to heal the heart, but it is the mind that hurts most. The heart is endless and boundless with infinite capacity. Its rôle in this dance is to reveal to us a portal into love, wholeness and light. Feelings that are heart-felt come from true love, but true love does not hold onto the departed. Indeed, true love celebrates freedom and selflessly wishes the highest and best good for all, especially freedom from pain and suffering.
The shortest route to relief is to accept what is happening and that it may change every single day, circling, spiralling and flowing. The mind will offer a series of emotions in seemingly random order and often frustratingly repeated. It is a unique cycle for each of us including denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Sometimes denial is short-lived as the hard fact of absence does not change. In the early days of loss, the heightened senses and open heart can detect, or connect with the departed in subtle ways that can be most comforting. If this becomes protracted it can be a sign of holding on and impeding the other’s full transition. This can cause both to be stuck until true love unlocks the path to mutual freedom.
Anger arises from need rather than loss. ‘How could you leave me?!’ ‘Whose fault was it?’. It’s never a good time or an acceptable reason to lose someone you ‘need’. Therein lies another confusion about what love is*. There is no anger in the heart. It is the bruised and battered Ego that is venting its loss of control or its fear of the void. This was not meant to happen.
We grieve as much for what might have been as for what was.
Bargaining can be done by the dying seeking more time from their Maker, but often the survivor will be tormented by how different life could have been...if only…with the resultant guilt and feeling of responsibility. This can extend to the future with a loss of direction and purpose.
The loss of being needed and having no purpose or connection can lead to depression, despair, isolation and self-neglect. Acute awareness of one’s own mortality can be a seminal moment, bringing about life-changing choices; succumb to self-pity or decide to embrace life and be grateful for the opportunity to be more. The realisation that life will be different and you cannot go back, can be daunting but also exciting.
Initially we can feel inhibited by guilt from moving forward. There are all of the first anniversaries without the departed that seem to rub salt into the wound. Remembering the good times, the love, warmth and joy shared can evoke the feeling that a departed loved one would not wish us to suffer either. Remembrance is tinged with sadness, but can also be a renewal of joy and gratitude for having shared part of your life with another. Although they are no longer present in the physical, you can still honour their memory whenever it arises, whether on an anniversary or not – dates no longer matter. As you rebuild your life and move forward, the memories may become less frequent, but not necessarily fade. This is the natural release over time and the passage to greater mutual freedom. There need be no guilt as it is created out of love and there is space in your heart to Eternity.
Although we maybe do not choose the loss and resultant pain, we can always choose what happens next.
Choosing to experience more of all that life offers and being present and available with the will, desire and passion to be all that you truly are, is the beginning of the next chapter of your life.
*The article ‘Love – What is Original love’ is in progress.